Its just a small thing kaya ayoko ng palakihin pa, but I cannot help but think why he is doing those things for me. Nagdedecide sya on his own na para bang ganun nya ako kakilala or ganun sya kakomportable saken. Sometimes gusto ko na lang sabihin na itigil nya ang lahat ng yun, because we are not in a relationship. Its a decision I made and I know he knows it, but maybe he is blindly doing things…i dont know.
When people are close to each other, like friends or officemates, we tend to go out to that thin line called “boundary.” may mga bagay syang ginagwa that makes me feel uncomfortable na rin because naeexcede na ung normal actions for a regular friendship. him being demonstrative…how he makes me his top priority when we are approaching him, at kung paanong nakakapag decide sya for us, without even consulting me. maybe the latter triggers why im writing these things now. as ive mentioned, no harm done and its a petty stuff lang naman, but as what they say, in the end, these small stuff will pile up and could create bigger problems in the future. sometimes i would like him to act like a normal barkada, not overly concern about me or anything related to me. pakiramdam ko kase na pagdating saken at work, masyado na syang protective. that even if i say that he does need to do it, he will insist that he wants it to — and this statement somehow pisses me off, most specially pag dumadating na sa point na he is not leaving me any choice, but to just agree with his actions. i remember a time before na hinde nya ako maihahatid sa bahay since out of his way, that he even pay for the gas dun sa isang kaofficemate ko na taga Rizal din, on the condition na ihahatid ako mismo sa Antipolo. i wasnt aware of that not until sinabe saken nung 2nd guy. some would find it “sweet” and they will find me antagonistic about it, pero i refuse magpahatid sa bahay and magpababa na lang sa pinagusapang lugar para hinde ako makaistorbo dun sa 2nd guy na magrereview pa that night. i didnt expect him to do that, at lageng ganun ang nangyayari, he wouldnt care kung ano mang pakisuyo ang iaask nya just to make sure that ill be home safe. besides, commuting is my everyday life, id like to do things on my own, just because kaya kong gawin un without the help of anybody. i find this excessive. its normal to care for someone, but to the point na merong maiistorbong iba masunod lang ang gusto, thats why im reacting.
maybe im not clear to him that when i say that we remain friends or maybe he is just hard-headed, doing things on his own khit pa alam nya kung ano ang kinatatayuan nya. well maybe because im the object of the predicate, it is also possible that im seeing it wrongly. pwedeng talagang ganun ang persona nya kapag naattached sya with someone. however with almost 2 years of working with him, i know that this is not the case and may mga tanong na rin ako sa kanya which he opted not to answer.
i am speculating all these things because in the end, id like to keep his friendship without losing him. i dont wanna give him false hopes. i personally believe that a boy and girl friendship does not always equate to romantic relationship. its a decision to make, agreed by both ends if they wish to go to that level. and i know that i am not going to that level….
maybe there are a lot of things to know about why they are persistent, how they behave or how men interpret us. i just wish sometimes that i could be very frank and tell things straight to his face…but i dont wanna rub it. i have told him about this in a lot of different ways…now im running out of creative inputs. iniisip ko na lang that this will be straightened out, the moment i left the company so he can spend more of his time with his job and meeting new people. i understand his past, where he is coming from, but i dont want to trade the only thing i can offer to him, and thats friendship. no more, no less.